I took antidepressants for over a year after I got home from Uganda, and I was miserable. Each and everyday was a struggle. Sometimes I found myself unable to get out of bed, unable to eat, unable to sleep and I definitely was not succeeding in my professional or personal life (apologizing now for all the phone calls from friends that were never returned). I was a mess.
My emotional state can't be entirely blamed on my month in Uganda. I was heading that direction anyway.
I've grown up my whole life as a dancer. And I got pretty darn good at it if I do say so myself. This was in no way due to any amount of natural talent, it was a lot of really really hard work. I compare it a little bit to that movie Black Swan (the one where the star literally drives herself crazy trying to become the perfect ballerina). Ok... I'm not quite as bad as her... but I can definitely sympathize. To be a part of that world you have to be very driven and willing to kick your own butt every hour of every day. This involves a lot of very long days not only telling yourself to get your leg higher or plie deeper, but also to work harder, try harder, and be more, never accepting that you have done all you are capable of.
This is a healthy recipe for hard work... but perhaps not the healthiest for your own mental well-being.
Before I left for Uganda, I was wandering through my life a bit aimlessly. I didn't know what life path to take... I didn't even know what I wanted. When you don't know what you want, it's hard to work toward anything... and then you're just beating yourself up for every little thing in your life.
So that was the point I was at when I left. I went there expecting to see an extreme amount of suffering and poverty - and I did. I went there expecting to rough it a little, to go without my everyday luxuries - and I did. I expected to work hard to make at least a small difference in the world - and I did. I also learned just how complex the problems are that that country faces - so complex that the more your learn, the more questions you have and the more confused you get. So I came home even more unsettled than when I left.
I felt such a huge obligation to make a difference in the world. At the same time I was blown away by how unfair the world is. How is it that I have been given parents who love and support me emotionally and financially? How is it that I not only have clothes and shoes to wear, but they're really nice clothes and shoes and my closet is overflowing? How is it that I have grown up never EVER having to worry about getting a decent education, being able to go to a doctor when I'm sick, having a roof over my head at night, having food to eat, or if the water I'm drinking will make me ill? How is it that I have been given everything in this world and so many children in Uganda have been given nothing? And how is it that I have been given everything and still have no idea how to make such unfairness go away?
And then the dancer in me set in. I beat myself up on a daily basis... I wasn't doing anything meaningful with my life... I wasn't helping anybody... and most of all, where do I get off being so unhappy when I have so very little to be unhappy about with all those clothes in my closet and a fully stocked fridge?...
I fell into this cycle of negative thought, and once you fall down in there... it's really really hard to crawl your booty back out. I'm usually I really positive, smiling, looking on the bright side kind of person - and I completely lost all of those aspects of myself. Of course, feeling like you are not yourself, just makes you want to shut yourself in your sheets even more, which does not help the problem any.
So after some really hard months of barely making it to class, phone calls to my mom, 15 pound weight loss, and weekly appointments with the school counselor that mainly consisted of me awkwardly sobbing and going through half a box of kleenex... things started to get a little bit better and I realized a few things about myself and the world around me.
I like shopping. I like going out to eat. I like spending money on a good dance class. I like dressing up... And that's OK. I don't need to feel guilty about doing those things, I should feel happy that I live in a world where I am able to do them.
I'm young. I can change the world. I can help people living in poverty, but it is a complex problem with a complex answer. I don't need to know that answer right now. Life is complex... and I have a long long while ahead of me to work through all those angles, it's OK to not have all the answers right now.
Part of what makes me a person capable of impacting this world is my positivity. I, of all people, should not be that person taking my positivity away. I can choose to beat myself up, or I can choose not to - and I'm capable of so much more when I choose not to.
It's true, had I not gone to Uganda, I probably wouldn't have spent a year in such misery. But I also would not have learned how to look at the world and myself in a different way, and that was a lesson I needed to learn. We learn the most from those times we suffer in life... and the last year has been one hell of a learning experience. Even though it was really hard, and some days I didn't think I would make it through (some days I still don't...) I did, I will, and I value each moment of happiness more because of it.
It's important to remember that my problems are minor compared to kids in Uganda, but they are still my problems, and they are still upsetting. Feeling guilt over feeling unhappiness does not help the situation. People in Uganda suffer, but each day they wake up and decide to make the most of their situation. I can decide to do the same.
When I got home from Uganda, I lost myself, improved myself, and found myself again... and the next time a challenging time comes this way in my life, I'll be ready for it... and that's a much more valuable lesson than how to poo in a hole...
Image from Angel Photography.
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